The Types of Karaoke People Who Can Ruin A Night

Having lived in Seoul for a couple of years, I've done a lot of karaoke (the picture above is of me and some of my friends). I love karaoke, but sometimes, a few elements prevent a night out at a noraebang from being 100% awesome.

Here are some of the those people who sometimes constitute those "elements":


1) The James Dean (aka The Too Cool Guy)

The James Dean sometimes chooses to sit disdainfully in the corner, sipping drinks and smirking at everybody else. But the other sort will actually participate. That's a good thing, right? Well, sort of. The James Dean will only sing songs by "respectable" groups like Nirvana, Muse, and Radiohead. Yeah, that'll really get the party started. The more obscure and/or depressing the song, the better. Oy.


2) The Celine Dion/Michael Bolton (aka The Non-Stop Power Balladeer)

This girl or guy's got pipes and is not afraid to show it. I'm always impressed if you can belt out an Alicia Keys song or a super-sappy Korean ballad, but by the 5th time in a row you're singing such a song, it kind of slows the evening to a deadening crawl.


3) The Vanilla Ice (aka The Rapper)

The Vanilla Ice, like the real Vanilla Ice, is a horrific rapper. Lots of ignorant people (who also coinkily-dinkily tend to be old and White) think that rap takes no talent, and that it's all just involves talking really quickly. Once the Vanilla Ice takes the mic in the karaoke room, however, this notion is laid to rest. Watching him struggle through Jay-Z's repertoire is like watching someone try to sprint in ski boots.


4) The MTV Countdown (aka The "Ugh, Not THAT Song" Person)

The MTV Countdown loves the overplayed and the unsurprising. I have an unholy trinity of karaoke songs I've come to despise. They are, in no particular order: Don't Stop Believing, I Don't Want To Miss A Thing, and A Whole New World. They're just too overdone. I particularly gnash my teeth when somebody chooses A Whole New World. It's a song that should bring back happy childhood memories of when you thought magic carpets could be real, but instead, all you start remembering are all those nights when you heard stupid drunken frat boys butchering the song as they lumbered on home from that sports bar on campus that served Miller Lite in tube towers.


5) The Michael Cimino (aka The One Who Never Skips Intros, Interludes, And Outros)

Michael Cimino was a once promising director whose career was destroyed by a little movie called Heaven's Gate. And by "little," I mean "stupidly long," as in, the original cut was over 5 hours long. Like his namesake, the Michael Cimino just doesn't know when to cut something out. Some songs have really long intros and interludes that just wastes everybody's time in general. Please do us a favour and skip them.


6) The Jean-Luc Godard (aka the One Who Always Skips Intros, Interludes, And Outros)

Jean-Luc Godard was one of the most famous of the French New Wave directors, and one of his signature touches was the jump cut, which is essentially when you slice up a single sequence so that it jumps abruptly from Point A to Point C, with Point B cut out. Like his namesake, the Jean-Luc Godard cuts and zips through everything. Okay, at least you're not wasting time like the Michael Cimino, but some intros and interludes are too awesome to just skip over, and by doing so, you actually eviscerate the power of the song. This nogoodnik chops up karaoke songs with the gracelessness of Harvey Weinstein cutting up Asian films.


7) The Concept Album (aka The One Who Picks The Long Songs)

The Concept Album picks such long songs that are positively Beethovenian by pop standards that it gives you a tailor-made opportunity to sneak in a visit to the restroom without feeling the guilt of walking out on your friend's loving rendition of Maroon 5. So I guess she has some merit. But getting back to the point, some songs are great yet are just too long for most karaoke nights out. Hey Jude, Hotel California, and American Pie, I'm looking your way. You're more suitable for a long road trip with the buds than in a karaoke room where the time limit is ominously ticking down like a death clock.


8) The Barbara Streisand (aka The Mic Hog)

Barbara Streisand isn't ever giving up center stage for anybody, and neither is this person. Enthusiasm is a key ingredient to a great karaoke night out, so I can't begrudge the over-eager too much. But please, show some courtesy. It's a pretty big faux pas to queue up 2 of your own songs in a row. It's an aggravated capital felony to do 3 or more. Try to keep an eye out and make sure that everybody who wants to sing is getting in on the rotation.


9) The Kramer (aka The Uninvited Duetter)

Duets are a great way to share in on the fun of a song with a friend. But sometimes, damn it, I want a solo because this is my signature song. However, the Kramer is pretty oblivious to such cues and will come whooshing in to grab the second mic. If I make a mistake and accidentally extend a cold offer to join in, well, I guess I can't fault you for not being able to read my mind. But don't butt in when I look all pumped up and ready to go.


In all seriousness though, any night out with karaoke is a fun night out. I hope people don't read this and start disinviting me from karaoke night for being too critical. This is all in good fun, I swear!

Things I'm looking forward to doing this winter in Korea

Thankfully, I'll have a much lengthier winter break than last year. And unlike a year ago, I hopefully won't get sick as my body gets shocked by the cold Korean winter.

Here are the following things that I'm looking forward to doing:


1) Walk in from the cold to eat something hot and/or spicy

Piping-hot kalguksu. Sizzling samgyeopsal. Tongue-scorching spicy galbi-jjim. I can't wait to come in shivering from the harsh winds, melt my hands by the searing coals in the middle of the table, and guzzle down some hot hot food.

2) Take the metro across the frozen Han River

I live just on the southern banks of the Han River, so if I take the metro and want to go north, I have to cross the river. I just really like that long and uninterrupted glide from one side of the river to the other. It kind of reminds me of that part in Spirited Away when Chihiro and her friends take that train across the ocean.

3) Order jjajangmyeon (noodles in black bean sauce) when it's too cold to go outside and I'm sick of eating ramen

In case you don't know, jjajangmyeon is to Koreans what pizza is to Americans. It's the omnipresent default delivery food and eating too much of it all the time is usually a sign that you're a broke student or perhaps failing at life in some way. Jjajangmyeon is even the official food of Black Day, which is a sarcastic "holiday" for people who didn't get anything on Valentine's Day or White Day (which takes place a month after Valentine's Day and has girls giving chocolates to guys).

But regardless of its connotations, jjajangmyeon is delicious and I can't wait to eat it when I get home. I just feel a bit bad for the delivery guys who have to scooter through the snow to deliver the foods AND return later to pick up the dishes. It's too bad that it's against Korean custom to tip because these guys deserve it.

4) Get caught up on Korean TV and Korean celebrity gossip

ZOMG, did you see who was holding hands with whom out in public this weekend?! Who did you say had a secret marriage from a decade ago?! Who accused whom of plagiarizing his music?!

5) Travel somewhere else in Asia

This is obviously something I can't do in Korea, but since the break will be a lot longer this year, I'm hoping to travel somewhere else in Asia that I've never been before. I would really like to go to Vietnam because I really like Vietnamese food and I want to see the countryside. I'm not a beach person so perhaps places like Thailand and Bali aren't going to be my destination. I've been wanting to go to Hong Kong for the longest time though. So many places!

Son Heung Min nets hat-trick against his old team

Son Heung Min scored his first ever Bundesliga hat trick against his old team, Hamburg SV. Having come to Bayer Leverkusen for €10 million, he is both the most expensive Korean player ever and the most expensive player that Leverkusen has ever bought. So far this season in 13 games, he has 4 goals and 4 assists, and his team is in 3rd place in the Bundesliga. Last year for HSV, he scored 12 goals and had 2 assists.

I remember when it used to be rare to see Asian athletes succeed at the most elite levels. Ichiro and Yao Ming were the exceptions. Now, it's getting more and more routine. Good Asian pitchers in the MLB are so blah now: Koji Uehara, Yu Darvish, Ryu Hyun Jin, Hiroki Kuroda, Hisashi Iwakuma, Wei-Yin Chen, Junichi Tazawa... And let's not forget position players too like Shin Soo Choo, who is due for a massive contract after establishing himself as one of the best leadoff hitters in the game.

In basketball, Jeremy Lin has gotten off to a great start, posting a PER of 19. Pretty much everything he was criticized for last season (shaky jump shot, ho-hum defense, inferior left hand), he has improved upon over this summer. It's really impressive how much this guy one-ups his game all the time.

Watching Disney in Foreign Languages on Youtube

One of the things that I've always wanted to know is how English and Korean sound to people who don't speak them. It's one of those things that are infinitely fascinating because unless I get amnesia or something to lose my language capabilities, it's something that I can never know.

I think it was in my attempt to answer that question that I, sometime early in freshman year (or perhaps senior year of high school), discovered that there was a treasure trove of Disney musical sequences in foreign languages on Youtube. Ever since then, I've been listening to these things over and over again to the point where I used Youtube converter websites to download them as MP3s so I could listen to them on the go.

I'm not quite sure what makes them so captivating. I think the biggest thing is the pleasure you get from mixing something so familiar with something so indecipherable. If you sat there and listened to a conversation in, say, Turkish, it would be interesting but also frustratingly incomprehensible.

But put the same language in the magic carpet ride sequence from Aladdin, and whatever language is being sung, it becomes immediately understandable because we all know the lyrics and context. That also allows us (or least me) to enjoy the musicality of the language itself. Yeah, it's all foreign to me, but there's a big difference in the ways that Icelandic is impenetrable from Mandarin, and I can relax and try to appreciate those qualities.

It just makes me sad that out of all the languages in the world, I'll probably only end up knowing two of them.

Russian: Part of Your World Reprise from The Little Mermaid

Korean: God Bless The Outcasts from The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Arabic: Beauty and the Beast from Beauty and the Beast

French: Reflection from Mulan

Zulu: I Just Can't Wait To Be King from The Lion King

Portuguese: A Whole New World from Aladdin

Thai: Once Upon A Dream from The Sleeping Beauty

Italian: I Won't Say I'm In Love from Hercules

Hindi: Kiss the Girl from The Little Mermaid

Turkish: Colors of the Wind from Pocahontas

Icelandic: Part of Your World from The Little Mermaid

German: Go the Distance from Hercules

Japanese: Son of Man from Tarzan

Romanian: Something There from Beauty and the Beast

Swedish: One Jump Ahead Reprise from Aladdin

Cantonese: So This Is Love from Cinderella

Houston Rockets look dangerously good in preseason

The NBA regular season kicks off in a couple of weeks, and it looks to be a fascinating season with tonnes of juicy storylines. Will the Dwight-loaded Rockets launch into the stratosphere of the Western Conference elite? Will the Heat have enough for a three-peat and cement their status as one of the greatest teams of all time? Can the Thunder cope with the temporary loss of Russell Westbrook, or will it become more apparent that the James Harden trade has been a disaster of mythic proportions? Will the Celtics' Nets' expensive attempt to win the 2008 2014 championship work?

This preseason, the Rockets have looked very good. In the last 2 games (which were played in the Philippines and Taiwan), they were able to pretty much dominate the Pacers. That was the team that pushed the Heat to their limit in last season's playoffs. And I know that preseason doesn't mean much, but remember how the Lakers sucked in preseason last year and it basically foreshadowed their upcoming season? At least we know that the Rockets will most likely not totally flop in similar fashion.

The game in Taiwan was, to borrow a phrase from U2 (or more accurately, the Romanian poet Paul Celan), Jeremy Lin's sort of homecoming. It was a massively anticipated and pressure-filled situation for him, and he delivered with an excellent stat sheet of 17 points, 4 assists, 3 steals, 2 rebounds and 1 BEASTLY block. He shot 6/8 from the field, including 3/4 from 3-point range, which is the kind of efficiency you want to see in a player who also has to share the ball with James Harden, Dwight Howard, and Chandler Parsons.

From what I saw in the game, Howard still hasn't been smoothly integrated into the offense yet. And there's still the question of what to do with Omer Asik, who deserves to be a starter on any team in the league (except for perhaps any team that has Dwight Howard or Roy Hibbert) but could make the Rockets ridiculously deep if he becomes cool with coming off the bench.

But still, if I were the Thunder or the Spurs, I'd be very anxious right now. The Thunder especially, since I would be directly responsible for spawning this monster.

Highlights from the Taiwan game... LeBronesque chasedown block on Danny Granger

at 1:15

Rising Korean stars in MMA

I'm not a huge MMA junkie, but as a sports fan in general, I try to keep up with the latest goings on. I sort of know who the likes of Anderson Silva and Jon Jones are, for example, but I couldn't tell you about the finer points of grappling vs. striking. I've also never been in a fight in my life, unless you count a shoving match with a fat guy in a bar as a fight.

But still, it's always exciting to see Korean athletes do well in a sport, and right now, there are 3 notable Korean rising stars in the UFC. What's all the more amazing is that these fighters are all native Koreans, which just adds to all the obstacles that your typical UFC fighter has to overcome.

Remember that Simpsons episode in which Homer becomes a boxer, and his first fights are with homeless guys who are fighting for their dinners? That doesn't seem too far off from your average UFC fighter's situation as they have to pay for their own training, coaches, housing, flight, etc. And even the pay for fighting is paltry, though fighters will still jump at the chance in the hopes of winning and securing a shot at a title and greater rewards.

"Your boy looks a little soft, Moe." - Lucius Sweet

Because of this, Asian fighters from overseas are at a big disadvantage because of all the added costs (travel, lodging, translators, etc.): www.bjpenn.com/dong-hyun-kim-discusses-ufc-policies-on-fighter-pay-sponsorships-and-why-korean-fighters-are-at-a-disadvtange-ufc-news/

So it's quite remarkable to see them succeed despite all these added burdens.


Chan Sung Jung, aka the Korean Zombie

Age: 26
Height: 5'7"
Weight: 145 lbs.
Record: 13-4
Most Recent Result: Loss to Jose Aldo (Featherweight title fight)
Most Famous For: Being able to take punches like no other (hence his nickname), seemingly reckless brawling style, submissions

Korean Zombie KO's Mark Hominick in 7 seconds, tying the UFC record for fastest

knockout ever

Korean Zombie wins via a "Twister" submission, the first in UFC history

Kim Dong Hyun, aka Stun Gun

Age: 31
Height: 6'1"
Weight: 175 lbs.
Record: 18-2-1 (1)
Most Recent Result: Win over Erick Silva
Most Famous For: Tenacious grappling style

Stun Gun knocks out Erick Silva in the 2nd round with a brutal shot

Lim Hyun Gyu

Age: 28
Height: 6'2"
Weight: 170 lbs.
Record: 12-3-1
Most Recent Result: Win over Pascal Krauss
Most Famous For: Knock-out power

Lim Gyu Hyun knocks out Pascal Krauss with an inhumane knee to the face

The Snowpiercer Paradox, Part 1: If Korean Audiences Can Accept A White Protagonist, Then Why Can't Americans Accept An Asian One?

I've been anticipating Gravity for a while, and now it's been released to swooning reviews that compare it to 2001: A Space Oddysey. Can't wait to go see it in IMAX. But thinking of this movie reminded me of the other critical super mega smash of the year, Snowpiercer, which of course we won't be able to see until god knows when and in what mutilated condition thanks to Harvey Weinstein.

And this got me thinking...

Snowpiercer is an awesome Korean movie that has broken box office records in Korea, in addition to getting rave reviews from critics all around the world. The interesting thing is that while it's a Korean-made film, the hero is Chris Evans and most of the cast (Tilda Swinton, John Hurt, Ed Harris, Jamie Bell, and Alison Pill) is White, while Octavia Spencer is Black. There are only 2 significant Korean actors: Song Kang Ho and Ah Sung Ko. And still, Koreans came out in droves to see this movie.

Tilda Swinton too wants to give Harvey Weinstein a big "Fuck you!" for wanting to cut 20 minutes from the
American version of Snowpiercer

Yet the reverse would never happen in America, or at least, it'd never be allowed to happen in America. In countries such as Korea, China, India, Nigeria, and Brazil, movies starring White people regularly set box office records and people of those countries have no problem watching foreign-looking actors such as Matt Damon or Brad Pitt star in movies about cultures they're not entirely familiar with in a language that they may not fully understand.

Let's take a look at the American all-time box office, shall we? I took a glance, and I had to go down all the way to #43 to find a movie that starred a non-White person, and that depends entirely on how you choose to classify the notoriously racially ambiguous Vin Diesel (the movie is Fast and Furious 6, by the way).

On the bright side, American audiences show a surprising high level of empathy and tolerance for bipedal blue cats (Avatar), anthropomorphic playthings (Toy Story 3), hairy-footed halflings (The Lord of the Rings franchise), animated lions (The Lion King), bugle-eared green ogres (Shrek), and waddling bug-eyed aliens (E.T.).

So great news, struggling minority actors! Though the timetable on your acceptance as protagonists may take a while, perhaps you can be reincarnated as a cartoon animal or a Martian, and thereby be instantly accepted by American audiences as being worthy of empathy because you're not so strange and foreign as an African American or an Asian American.

Pretty sad that this is Hollywood's most successful movie with a protagonist of African descent

But it's one thing to be totally ignored. It's another to be selectively ignored in the process of cultural re-appropriation. This happens a lot in Hollywood with regards to Asian culture. The message I get from them is that Asian culture is awesome! Our food is great, our history is fascinating, our architecture is inspiring, our myths are cool, and our philosophies are enlightened.

But our people? Meh. Asia is great, except for its people. Especially the men, since the women can be beautifully exotic in a way and fulfill a pre-feminist void that's existed in the West ever since the pesky 1960s and Hillary Clinton rolled along.

Don't believe me? Just look at this summer alone. Two movies were either greatly inspired by or took place in Asia: Pacific Rim and The Wolverine. The former was clearly based on Japanese manga like Mobile Suit Gundam Wing, and even its title pays tribute to the region from where it drew its ideas. And the latter mostly takes place in Japan and has a number of Japanese supporting characters. But are the movies centered around Asian characters? Nope. Pacific Rim has Rinko Kikuchi in a supporting role, and The Wolverine has some Japanese characters that orbit around Hugh Jackman's heroism. Unsurprisingly, the two highest billed Asian actors are both female.

Jeff Yang of the Wall Street Journal summed the movie up pretty well in a Facebook post:

Preach

Fantastical cultural self-insertion isn't inherently wrong. If there were a Korean movie that involved a time-travelling Korean dude who landed in King Richard's court, helped prevent the Crusades, and got engaged to an earl's daughter, then that's the stuff that cinematic imagination is made of. After all, aren't movies supposed to depict the unlikely or the impossible?

The problem with Hollywood is that it happens ALL. THE. TIME. Here are some recent examples of movies in which Asian characters were replaced with White ones.

Cloud Atlas (2012)
The King of Fighters (2010)
The Last Airbender (2010)
Dragonball: Evolution (2009)
21 (2008)

Yellowface in "Cloud Atlas". Yeah, I know.

B-b-b-but.. It's about box office draw! Well, argument won, I guess. Jim Sturgess, Justin Chatwin, Jackson Rathbone, Sean Faris, and Jim Sturgess again (seriously, what's up with this guy?)... Can't argue with that kind of megawatt, household name, Q-rating-busting starpower.

And then there are the other types of cases in which a largely Asian story and setting is used to tell the far more important tale of the one White dude in the midst of it all. I'm looking at you, The Last Samurai. The ridiculousness of this movie has been well-documented, perhaps immortalized by Paul Mooney's little skit, but let me rehash your memory: American Civil War drunkard Tom Cruise goes to Japan, kills a master samurai which makes his widow fall in love with him for some reason (Seduction 101, fellas: Murdering a woman's spouse is like writing her 20 sonnets), becomes 2nd best samurai in Japan in a matter of weeks/months, and becomes lone survivor of an epic slaughter so that he can teach the Japanese on how to really be Japanese.

Then there's the gem, Come See The Paradise, which was made in 1990 and is the only major movie about the Japanese Internment. Naturally, such a traumatic, seismic, and under-explored event in Asian American history is the perfect opportunity to tell the love story between some White dude and Tamlyn Tomita.

But the most hilarious example has to be the Canadian production, Iron Road (2008). It manages to take the construction of the Canadian Pacific Railway, perhaps one of the biggest sausagefests in history, and somehow make it all about yet another love story between a White dude and an Asian woman.

Feel the romance

Sensing a pattern here?

And in case you think that this is all part of the shameful past that's been relegated to the dustbin ever since the "post-racial" Obama era, let's take a look ahead. Smell that? It's the waft of more Hollywood bullshit. But that's going to be in Part 2.