Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Great Wall movie to star the very white Henry Cavill

You know what's another great thing about living in Asia? It's that you can watch historical movies set in Asia that star, you know, Asian people in the lead roles.

Hollywood producers are amazed
to learn that long time ago, Asia
used to be full of Asians
But Hollywood has a new film on the way about the Great Wall of China: http://www.empireonline.com/news/story.asp?NID=34230. And it's going to be directed by Edward Zwick, the director with the magical touch of somehow always finding ways to insert white male protagonists into movies about an all-black Civil War regiment, the South African diamond trade, and modernization in Japan during the Meiji Restoration.

Apparently, it's going to star Henry Cavill, that swinging duke from The Tudors. It's going to be set in the Ming Dynasty, and there will be zombies involved (yes, for real).

But I dunno... The whole zombie/vampire thing is so overdone at this point. The studio trying to make this movie should just hire me instead. I have a great idea for a script, just what Hollywood is looking for in a historical epic set in Asia.

                                                             So here it is.

"Wall of Stone, Heart of Porcelain"
Once upon a time in a mysterious but beautiful exotic land called China, Emperor Qing Qong sees that his empire is threatened by nomadic barbarians and he needs to build a wall to keep them out. Unfortunately, Emperor Qing Qong is gravely ill, his eunuch-filled court is corrupt and too Chinese to get anything done, and his only son Tai Ni Wang spends all his time being homosexual and frivolous.

So Emperor Qing Qong sends an emissary to the West who enlists the help of an ambitious and fiery architect-playboy named Lord Charles Achilles Ironballs (played by Henry Cavill). "Charlie" reluctantly makes the trip to China (having lots of sex with hot Middle Eastern and Indian babes along the way) and sees a decadent court that's incapable of getting anything done without him.

In one year, he whips up the leadership-starved nation into building the monumentally ambitious Great Wall, based on masonry blueprints that his forefathers have given him (the Ironballs clan was also secretly responsible for the Great Pyramids of Egypt, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, and the giant stone heads of the Olmecs). Tai Ni Wang, intensely jealous of Charlie's competence and large penis, tries unsuccessfully sabotage him at every stage.

Despite jealousy from the eunuchs and the flamboyantly weak Tai Ni Wang, Charlie prevails and constructs the beginnings of the Great Wall in no time. Meanwhile, the court's most powerful and beautiful concubine, Jade Footbind Silkflower, meets Charlie and immediately falls in rapturous love with him for some reason.

The whirlwind romance between Charlie and Jade Footbind Silkflower is threatened when her father forbids the union because he wants her to marry the child-like, sexless son of a rich aristocrat. Jade Footbind Silkflower finds herself torn between her repugnant cultural duties and the wonderful dreamy dream of marrying dreamy Charlie.

She decides to run away with Charlie, but is caught while trying to escape because she is betrayed by Tai Ni Wang (whom she thought was her friend). Charlie duels Tai Ni Wang and easily defeats him with absolutely no dramatic tension. With his dying breath, Tai Ni Wang weeps and apologizes for everything and tells Charlie that he's a god among men. Meanwhile, Jade Footbind Silkflower is sentenced to be executed before a gleeful court. Charlie makes a last-minute and eloquent plea for her life, shaming all the men in the crowd for letting such a beautiful Oriental Lotus Blossom be killed. But it is to no avail.

Until... The ailing Emperor Qing Qong reveals that Jade Footbind Silkflower is actually his secret daughter. He dies right after, which means Jade Footbind Silkflower is his only surviving child and consequently, the new empress. She quickly marries Charlie, making him the next emperor, and the whole Chinese nation bows down before him.

But Charlie is too cool to be stuck being emperor of China. He needs to be free and daring, like all Western men are. So he and Jade Footbind Silkflower leave the empire in the hands of some promising young scholar, who is entrusted by Charlie with the Super Secret Ironballs Method of Masonry. The young scholar, and subsequent new emperor of China, keeps these plans in a royal safe, and future dynasties all consult Charlie's ingenious architectural plans to expand and build the Great Wall into what it is today, as well as improve the Chinese civilization.

The last scene shows Charlie leaving on a boat, with the wind blowing in his hair and his beautiful Chinese empress-concubine smiling contently in his arms as she is so happy to have been rescued by her foreign savior from a lifetime of being Chinese. Charlie looks intensely into the horizon, wondering if the potentially great civilization he has saved will use his ingenuity for good or for evil. Only time will tell...

(Epic "Asian" music by Hans Zimmer blasts in the background while the largely non-Asian audience holds back tears about such a timeless story about love prevailing across races and cultures)


Game over. Just give me the Oscar already.

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